Zombie Movie Night: Sept ’11

It’s the last Zombie Movie Night before the 2nd Annual Golden Zombeys and excitement is in the air.  I don’t know what’s crazier: that it’s September already or that next month starts YEAR THREE of Zombie Movie Night.  Or maybe that we’re not even close to running out of films to watch…

First up was a movie that could only hope to live up to its fantastic title: Mutant Vampire Zombies From the ‘Hood.  The interesting thing is that the title is actually misleading- this is a straight up zombie film.  There are no fangs, no blood-drinking and no sparkling.  The closest we come to vampires is when a gangster mistakenly calls the zombies “Nosferatu.”  Also, there are really no “mutants” per se.  The zombies do mutate, but they’re still zombies.

The plot is a hybrid of Night of the Comet and The Horde.  Cops and rival gangs who were not affected by the solar flare that caused the zombie mess must stick together.  It’s pretty straightforward stuff.  There’s really not a lot to say.  Given the wacky title, I expected this to either be better or worse than what it actually is.  It’s an unremarkable film that landed somewhere in the middle of the pack.  But if you’re an 80’s movie fan, you might want to check it out to see how old-looking Soul Man got.

Or just look at this poster.

 Have you ever wondered what it would look like if a coming-of-age, slice of life indie movie just happened to have a zombie in it?  Well, wonder no more because now there’s Make-out With Violence!

Wendy has gone missing, presumed dead, and her classmates are heart-broken.  Unbeknownst to any of them, Wendy was their main connection to one another.   Patrick had a crush on her.  His twin brother, Carol, has a crush on her best friend Addy.  Ann, Addy’s friend from school, has a crush on Carol.  Addy has a crush on Brian, who was Wendy’s boyfriend.  And Wendy was the babysitter for the twin’s little brother, Beetle.  Take all that, throw it into the indie blender, add your standard quirkiness, and you might produce a good, if not particularly special or original, indie darling.  That could have happened…except Wendy comes back as a zombie.

Now the truth.  I just made that sound 99% better than the film actually is.  Make-out With Violence is painfully, painfully, mind-numbingly boring.  Just one scene after another of nothing happening and when something does happen, its potential and momentum is immediately lost with more teen angst nothingness.  Every time Wendy stands up and starts acting like a zombie, it’s really creepy and well done.  But the characters barely react to it.  This could have been a decent murder mystery.  But it’s never solved.  It could have been a decent cover-up movie.  But the kids have no plan.  It could have been a decent romantic comedy, as there’s a part where Carol uses a list of moves to make in order to win Addy’s heart.  That could have been a whole movie, instead of the five minutes it’s given with no real payoff.  They could have even removed the zombie and made the indie blender movie I mentioned above.  Any of those things would have been substantially better than Make-out With Violence. 

Avoid!  Avoid! Avoid!  We ranked it one spot above the dreaded Motocross Zombies From Hell.  That’s right.  I would rather watch Colin again.  Maybe twice in a row! 

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