Zombie Movie Night: August ’11

Since I’m going on vacation for a week and a half, we had to sneak in ZMN a tad early.  First up was Death Valley: The Revenge of Bloody Bill.  I was all set to rip this movie apart for being stupid, but my google search revealed that Bloody Bill was a real person…

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/William_T._Anderson

…and therefore no matter how dumb the movie is, I can’t fault it since they were clearly working off of 100% TRUE FACTS, BABY.   So it’s really not the makers’ fault that this was the worst script we’ve encountered in the entire history of ZMN, and yes, that INCLUDES Motocross Zombies From Hell!  It’s pretty standard, really.  Bloody Bill was killed by mob justice for being an evil bastard, swore revenge, his sister left town and when it was discovered she was related, she was hung, and Bill got there too late to save her, I suppose because he was dead.  Seemed superfluous to have TWO reasons for Bill to seek revenge, but that sister stuff was thrown in there just so the ending could completely rip off Friday the 13th Part 2.

Present day, a debate team is taken hostage by a thug looking for his partner, all of whom had the misfortune of stumbling into the ghost town where Bill has the power to stop time, alter reality and control an army of zombies.  He also meticulously keeps track of the town’s (zombie) population sign.

The biggest problem is that, yes, the acting is your standard bad stuff, but truly it’s the dialogue that ruins everything.  It has to be seen to be believed how bad some of it is.  One girl had to have asked the bitten guy fifty times what was wrong with him.  You watched him get attacked by a zombie and he has a big bite hole in his arm, that’s what’s wrong, beyotch.  But my favorite was when they were speculating if their friend who ran off was dead.  “There’s possible and there’s probable, and right now, your friend is neither.”

Yep.  Death Valley’s grade is both possibly and probably a big, fat D.

He's so evil, only 25 people like him on facebook.

Next up was Zombie Farm. A Mexican American documentarian and a wiseass TV medicine man/fraud get caught up in a domestic dispute between a Mexican immigrant and her abusive husband. Things become even more complicated when an evil priestess turns the husband into a zombie. As the investigation gets deeper, the trio discovers a farm…a zombie farm!

This was an entertaining movie. In fact, it landed at or close to the top 20. However, I feel strongly that it could have been a lot better. First and foremost is how long it takes to get to the damn zombies. The documentary lady is trying to find success, she meets the shaman guy, has to convince him to do a film, he turns down helping the abused lady, docu-girl sees his softer side when he helps an old lady, abused woman goes to evil priestess, Docu-girl & shaman have lengthy conversation about the history of Mexicans in America. And still no zombies. But you know what? All that stuff is good. If it had just been a look at the plight of the immigrant-type movie, I might have been okay with that. It almost seems weird and out of place when the zombie husband finally arrives on the scene.

Also, I feel like if you’re going to have a documentarian character, do a fake documentary as the movie. I kept thinking of how good The Last Exorcism was and Zombie Farm could have been a lot like that. Just instead of a possessed girl, have the crew and the fake shaman slowly uncover the secrets of the zombie farm. There’s a scene where they’re actually watching the action from afar through the lens of the camera. Why show them doing that when you could just show what the camera sees? But like I said, good flick with a new and interesting take on zombies. Kind of a blend of the traditional voodoo stuff and the walking corpses that eat flesh. And an honest to God zombie fight. Zombies with conflicting motivations? Pretty neat to consider. Grade: B

I'd totally buy vegetables on the side of the road from this guy

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